Jarek Gurtney 53 of Coos Bay, Oregon recently found out…if you mess with the unsuccessfully trademarked horns, you still get the possibly trademarked Bull.
Gurtney was the first person to order the $50,000 Gene Simmons Exclusive The Vault CD Box Set set which was delivered to Mr. Gurtney’s front door by the legendary KISS frontman Gene Simmons himself.
Unfortunately for Mr. Gurtney, his home, and four of his four cats…Gurtney was unable to afford the box set as it was delivered to his house by the limo driven Demon of KISS.
In a classic first time out blunder, Simmons admits that not checking Gurtney’s credit score, place of employment, drivers license, DNA, blood stool sample, and voter registration ID, as is typical with most KISS related items over five dollars, “It may have been a mistake”.
“I immediately recognized the signs of an overage outta work lowlife bum, as I had just seen a guy who looked like Ace Frehley at the airport hours before my visit to Coos Bay”. Explains the KISS frontman. “Mr. Gurtney clearly had no means to pay for my valuable time nor more importantly the 50,000 dollar box set”.
But for Simmons, who recently tried unsuccessfully to trademark the classic “Devil horns/Metal-salute” hand gesture, there is always a cash colored silver lining.
Simmons goes on to explain how he immediately trademarked the name Jarek Gurtney, the address in which he lived, his street name, a statue of Jesus, the local high school football team, grapes, and the name of three of Gurtney’s four cats. “One cat was terribly sick…didn’t look like he was going to make it, so instead of wasting the money to have this cat trademarked…I ordered my limo driver to run it over on my way back to the airport.” Simmons went on to say, “I feel for that cat, he reminded me of Peter Criss during the DYNASTY recordings, and that statue of Jesus, that M-fer just needed Gene Simmons”.
Gurtney, who was immediately removed from his home, and his street, was understandably a bit shaken when we quoted him as saying “I said to our Lord and Savior ‘please help me through this’, and Mr. Simmons agreed that he would in-fact help me” Gurtney went on to add “Please do not quote me by my name as it now belongs to Gene Simmons and I have to pay royalties each time it’s printed or spoken” unquote.
“I did agree to help Mr. Gurtney as he pitifully knelt before me” Said Simmons. “I purchased a roomy 1981 pre-owned Chevrolet conversion van, and allowed Mr. Gurtney to take 6 of his favorite beloved KISS albums, and a record player along with him, my limo driver helped move him to a nice little spot down by the river.” Simmons laments, “I stood on the roof of the van and took a piss all over this guy, baptising him and his new surroundings, because look, like all the other people on the planet that love KISS, Jarek Gurtney is a KISS fan, first and foremost, and KISS takes care of our fans”.
Mr. Gurtney currently resides “comfortably” in his conversion van down by the river. And is currently looking for a live-in wife who can operate a standard transmission
To order your very own copy of Gene Simmons $50,000 “The Vault” box sets featuring three previously unreleased songs with Edward and Alex Van Halen, a 150-page booklet, and some lawn furniture from The Jarek Gurtney Collection, please visit www.genesimmonsvault.com
okay, this is seriously not real, but parts of this could happen. Jarek Gurtney is a made up name as far as we know